thought i would take a little bit of time out of my sleeping time and fill all those in on what's going on with me since there are some who i haven't seen in awhile because of the things that are going on with me.

my dad went in for testing last week to check and get his annual check for prostate cancer. this time i was more worried because my grandpa had it and my dad has been having a lot of the symptoms that come with prostate cancer. to make somewhat of a long story short, my dad was diagnosed on monday with prostate. he has it in at least 3 different areas within his prostate and is a level 6 of intensity on a scale of 3-10, so he's right in the middle. the doc seemed to think we caught it early enough so he's going for a consult this next week in iowa city and then they will schedule surgery ASAP to have his entire prostate taken out. i love my dad and i can't imagine life without him, and especially right now. i really need him in my life. i have faith that God will work everything out. i have a peace about everything so that's been really awesome.

so i'm sorry if i haven't been in contact with many of you over the past few weeks. it's a combination of this, trying very hard to find an apartment, trying to figure out my finances which seems to be never ending, and the new stress of my job which is another xanga update in itself. it's way past my bedtime so i'll leave you all with this...

i love you all very much and am blessed to have you in my life. thank you for everything you mean to me and everything you are to me.

i got a phone call on tuesday night this last week informing me that my "adopted" grandma mary passed in her sleep. i can't believe she's gone but it's comforting knowing that she's in heaven. she was more of a grandma to me than my own blood grandma is and has ever been so her death has been hard on me the last 5 or so days. she taught me a lot about life, how to cook, and about being a woman. she was an amazing woman and i will miss her.

i talked with her daughter, rosie, and she's going to give me some things that belonged to mary. my mom is gonna make me a quilt out of some of her clothes and rosie said she'd be glad to give us some of her clothes so that she could do that.

i think i'll be more at peace when i can go visit her grave and have some closure.

Currently Listening Be Here By Keith Urban see related

better life...doesn't that remind you of a really good song? :)

i had a counseling appt today...not like i really needed it...like i'm psycho or anything but i felt so much better afterwards that i couldn't even believe it. i told him at the end that i didn't mind if we prayed after the sessions, so we prayed together and i think that's partly why i felt better, too. he listened most of the time but offered his advice and input where i wanted it...it went really well. i had this feeling deep inside me like i knew i was doing the right thing but because my mom was raising such hell about everything and disapproving how i'm choosing to live my life...i thought that there was something wrong with me or i was doing something wrong...but turns out...i'm not!

i agree that i've said things that have hurt her and done things that i shouldn't have over the years...but who hasn't. she's done things to hurt me, too, but  she doesn't choose to see those. those don't seem to matter as much as the pain that i have caused her. she also doesn't see that it's not just me who has caused her pain. i still don't understand everything that's going on with her and i don't think i will for awhile...but God is in control and i know that He will bring her through this...He's bringing me through it!

well i'm supposed to be balancing my checkbook with amber and then going to ames to play maffia with gabbie and them...thank you to all of you who have prayed for me. you mean a lot to me and i don't know what i would do without you. you are a true blessing!

Currently Watching Livin' Right Now By Keith Urban, Jim Gable see related

independence needed

i know that half the time that i update and i say that my life is crazy...it's not really that  crazy...well compared to the way things have been going lately, anyway!

my mom has been freaking out at me lately and has been trying to tell me how i need to live my life and what i want. there are details but i don't really feel like devulging all of the details on here...so if ya wanna know...ask:) so in the midst of this...my mom sent me a two page email at work on monday ripping me apart. i thought if she really was trying to give me constructive criticism, she would've given me some encouragement, right? well, there wasn't any. she told me that my pride is ruining my life and destroying all of my relationships, that i'm full of myself, that a guy who is deep spiritually won't want me, that an intelligent guy won't want me. but somewhere in there, i'm supposed to get the hint that she loves me and is only calling me out on these things for the best and for my happiness.

i need out of the house ASAP. i've already talked to my dad about moving out and getting my own apartment and if things go well...i should be moved out soon after my birthday.

so, if the email wasn't enough...my mom decided to fill out a prayer "care card" at church and said to "pray for God's will, Trisha's swollen pride that is affecting the relationships around her, and her upcoming counseling appt." so now the church knows that i have not only a pride problem...but that i'm in counseling because it got printed out on the prayer sheets and got sent out to every member of the church.

i often am starting to have doubts if i will really find someone who i've dreamed of spending the rest of my life with. but i still have this feeling that he's out there somewhere. i know God will bring me through this and that i will learn something...just not quite sure what that is right now.

i'm really not up for anymore drama...i'm really not. stress needs to just leave my body...looking for the day. a day when every demon and every ghost from my past doesn't come back to haunt me.